Exactly 2 years ago today, however, I was in a whole different place, both mentally and physically. We were 1 day shy of being 8 weeks pregnant and I was undergoing emergency surgery because we found out that it was an ectopic/tubal pregnancy and the baby could not survive and I ran the risk of my tube rupturing and bleeding to death. It was a blur of physical and emotional pain, disbelief, and fear, but most of all it changed me. I know that my blog is typically a happy photo family journal where I talk about what we have been up to and don't usually get very deep, but I feel like it truly isn't complete or a reflection of my real life with this big chunk of it omitted. So here is a little bit about my journey:
We found out on January 31, 2011 that we were 4 weeks & 2 days pregnant! We were both so excited but I know we were nervous at the same time. We had decided in November 2010, on our 3 year anniversary trip to Europe, that we were ready to add to our family and were amazed that everything happened so relatively fast. I immediately ran out and bought all the books: What to Expect, a pregnancy journal, names book, etc. We couldn't turn our minds off of the fact that we really were pregnant! I remember having a projected due date of October 8th, which would mean I would be about to pop at Rachel's wedding in September. At 6 weeks, we told both of our immediate families that we were expecting and everyone was shocked and so overjoyed. We decided to keep it a secret from anyone else until our 1st doctor's appointment at 8 weeks on March 1, but we didn't make it that far. To make a long story short (I can be kinda long winded and detailed when unnecessary), I started bleeding and knew something was wrong, I rushed to the doctor and had an ultrasound, and the nurse informed us that it was an ectopic pregnancy (and briefly explained what that meant) and that I would be having emergency surgery the next morning.
Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to explain how I felt as so many thoughts ran through my mind: It's over; We lost the baby; I'm not going to be pregnant anymore; I am terrified to have surgery tomorrow; I've never had real surgery before; What will anesthesia be like; What if my tube ruptures before surgery; Why am I in so much pain all of a sudden; I'm going to be cut in 3 different places and have scars; Why me; What if I lose my tube; Is there anything I could have done differently; What will our future hold; When will we have a baby, and on and on and on...
Surgery went as well as could be expected and I was told that she was able to save my fallopian tube and I did not have endometriosis (both wonderful praises). Luckily, at this time I was unemployed, but at the same time it gave me no outlet to take my mind off of things. Time went on and I had more support than I could ask for from our families helping and supporting us and friends there, too. Recovery went ok, but was long. Not only physically to heal and feel like myself again, but also chemically, my body took a while to even out and realize that it wasn't pregnant anymore. Lab work on a weekly basis finally brought us to the point where everything was back to normal in April and we were allowed to try again... but things don't happen overnight.
Suddenly I realized that I was thrust into a club that I never wanted or imagined that I would be a part of... Fertility problems? These were things I had read about on other women's blogs and felt for them and their troubles and ached for their losses. My mom and sister had both been described as being extremely fertile, so why was I different? I felt like I was ready to put the ectopic behind me and should be back in working order but months felt like they were flying by and we weren't getting pregnant. I was terrified and it was all I thought about all day long every single day. I cried occasionally, but really it was just my mind that was my own worst enemy. I became obsessive about doing everything I possibly could with calendars, charting, and research to have a baby. I posted this and even went brunette in my crazy struggle to cope.
Everyone says that it will happen when you stop trying or when you don't worry about it or when you least expect it, but I couldn't let go. I prayed all the time and clung to my faith and in the back of my mind I knew that it would all happen in God's timing, but at the time that didn't seem to make it easier. I was jealous constantly; hearing about other people that were pregnant or seeing pictures of people loving on their babies. Why couldn't I have that, too? The OCD planner in me had to be tossed out the window. You no longer say, "Hey, I would love to have a baby in March, so the perfect time to get pregnant would be June." You become desperate and start longing for anything the Lord will give you and you want it to be NOW. Everyone says they want 10 fingers and 10 toes, but I was willing to take 9!
Obviously, you all know that this story ends well, but it was all about how it changed me. As I sit here, 2 years later, I know that if I had never gone through that experience, I wouldn't have appreciated the miracle of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood like I do today. That first baby was created for such a short period of time for a very specific reason. I will never fully understand why, but I know that I have learned a lot because of it. I vowed that the moment I was pregnant again I wouldn't take one second for granted. Whether I was sick or big or tired or miserable, I promised myself that I would instead be grateful and honored to carry the little miracle in the first place. I vowed to never take my future children for granted and acknowledge that it's a gift to be a parent in the first place.
I learned that fertility issues, miscarriages, ectopics, and all different other kinds of pregnancy struggles are SO much more prevalent than I ever knew until I went through this. Somehow, now, I can be appreciative that I became a member of that "club" because of what I learned and how I can now relate to others who continue to go through these kinds of experiences. I will never forget how impossible and desperate that time of my life was and I will always be here to talk to those who are struggling with similar feelings and difficult experiences. I have no idea what the future holds for our little family or how easy or difficult it will be to add another little blessing to our family... but I remain hopeful and faithful that the Lord has a plan for us and I will continue to trust in that.
Exactly 2 years ago I was living the same life with so much to be thankful for, with the same amazing husband and family and in the same house, etc... but a bump in the road happened, and IT CHANGED ME. It's amazing how much can be transformed in such a relatively short period of time but I couldn't feel more lucky to hold my baby boy every single day and shower him with love and kisses, teach him to love the Lord and love this life we have been blessed with. I'll never take the miracle of parenthood for granted and I hope that others don't either.
